I know I’ve talked about my friend Paul before on my blog and on various other ones. He and I have known each other for 22 years. He was the lead singer of a rock band in the Portland area for a long time (Trader Vic and Victor Hansen Band) and when my son was a little boy, Paul bought him his first guitar. That guitar got my son interested in music and he used it to teach himself how to play (Paul helped too, of course). Paul noticed my son’s talent right off the bat.
Well…
….I just found out through a mutual friend of ours that Paul passed away in his sleep last night. How sad good gawd! We go through life expecting the people we cherish to be with us until we go, but unfortunately, that’s not always the case. In fact, over the years I’ve known him, he’s “died” more than once. As an alcoholic, these chemicals reek havoc on your body and over time the body will just shut down, because it can’t handle the intake anymore. Well, that’s what happened to Paul. He got through open heart surgery @ twelve years or so ago, but continued the drinking and in the end he died peacefully in his sleep, because his body could take no more. When Paul would eat something he’d sweat profusely. His body starved for nutrients.
Alcoholism sucks.
Two weeks ago, the mutual friend I mentioned above took my son to see some bands in Portland for the evening. My son kept saying to me before and after he went, “Mom, call Paul”. Well, I didn’t. I’m feeling really guilty about it. Why couldn’t I have picked up the phone! Dammit! Not sure why I didn’t, but it’s probably because the last time he was in our lives, he was passing out every half hour and it’s possible that subconsciously I didn’t want to open up that can of worms. Me not calling him doesn’t mean I didn’t love him, though. Not sure why I didn’t call, but I do know right now I’m longing to hear his voice (he sounds like one of the Beatles, even though he’s Italian American) and am beating myself up about it!
Death is a constant. I know this. What’s unfair is quite a few of my friends have taken their lives over the years. I never get used to losing a friend, even if they die peacefully in their sleep. Hell, just in the last year, my son’s babysitter in a town we lived in for the first nine years of his life died unexpectedly. It threw us for a loop. Then there was her son-in-law (he was the brother of a guy I dated for six years) who blew his head off months before. Was he depressed? Guess so. No one except he knows why he did it. My ex called me a few months after this in a drunken stooper because he was having a tough time handling his brother’s suicide. He too is a major alcoholic. We cried together, but then the ‘wall’ around me went up again. My ex wanted to be near me but I resisted. The ‘wall’ you wonder? Well, it’s alcoholism I’m afraid of. For years I partied my ass off alongside these friends and various boyfriends and I’m now at a point where I can’t have it in my life anymore. Hell, I couldn’t even call Paul to just say ‘hello’ and now he’s dead! Good gawd.
As you can imagine, I’m not feeling too hot emotionally at the moment. I’ll be taking the weekend off (or longer) from blogging to regroup myself, so I can attend yet another friend’s funeral. His mother Lena will be there (I’ve talked about her….she’s the short old Italian lady with the biggest nose I’ve ever seen on a human being and whose maiden name is Lena Donata St. Angelo. Love her!) and I can’t wait to hug and comfort her. She loved Paul more than life (he lived with her for the past decade or so) and will now be living alone for the rest of hers. She needs Paul’s friends to be there for her.
I’m thinking of attending a fundraiser for Chellie Pingree tomorrow in the afternoon. Jim Hightower is supposed to be there. I’ll see how I’m feeling tomorrow and if I go, I’ll take pictures of the event and will post them online at some point. Paul’s remembrance is on Sunday.
Have a good weekend everyone. I’m going to try. 
Kay, I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your friend! May he be in a better place!
A song in memory of your friend Paul.
Sung by another musician who died way too young.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scCxx4fgJwA
OMG Uncle! Thank you so much for THIS song. You’re not going to believe this. Alice in Chains is my son’s favorite band (bought him 2 CD’s for Xmas this year) and he can play Nutshell on his guitar! I’m feeling Paul near me right now. Wow.
I love you for posting this song, my friend. Thank you. I gotta go…sobbing!
I’m so sorry Kay..for your loss ..and your friends’ family and community. Know from being around alcoholics all my life..there isn’t much community at the end. Seems to happen too often to the best and brightest. I like to think life is too hard for them without a buffer.
My condolences go with you this weekend. Death always comes too soon and before we have to say everything we meant to say. Take care.
sorry to hear about your friend.. obviously taken much too soon.
I just got off the phone with Paul’s mother. She said she and her daughter had gone to do some shopping for a few hours on Wednesday evening and when they got home, Paul’s dog did not come to the livingroom window like he always did to bark and greet them. They thought it was odd. Paul did not answer to their calls, so his sister went to his bedroom and found the door locked. She told Lena to go upstairs to get something to unlock the door, and sure enough…when they got in there, he was dead (his sister is a nurse…she tried to resusitate him but there was no pulse). His dog of many years was laying on his body…protecting as usual. Lena tells me the dog hasn’t eaten since Paul’s death. Sad.
His memorial is actually going to be this Wednesday, because he wanted to be cremated, so they have to wait a few more days.
Here are some songs Paul’s band played a lot and they’re the ones when played I instantly think of him. Lots of great memories. It will be a reunion of sorts on Wednesday. When my friend Jan had her 40th B-day party recently at a local dance hall in her area, I bumped into one of the wives of another band Paul jammed with. She and her husband will be there along with the whole gang (band members, friends, ex-wife). Sad to say, but I’m so looking forward to seeing everyone. I wished it was under better circumstances, though. The first one, Sweet Jane, had me balling this morning. He sang it with such verocity. Better than Lou Reed some nights! Very cool. He had an amazing singing voice…
http://youtube.com/watch?v=HAZ–tLYdcw
http://youtube.com/watch?v=f7ffVWfGU_A
http://youtube.com/watch?v=rdblcuWtB9I&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=KHWt8qZao4A
http://youtube.com/watch?v=-tRdBsnX4N4
And here’s he and his now ex-wife’s wedding song (someone else’s video, but it was the only one I could find online that had this tune in it):
http://youtube.com/watch?v=QsoucQTtXrI
He and Mary Ellen were together for 12 years, got married, and the marriage ended in a year. Sad, but then again, it was his alcoholism. It rips relationships apart. She will be there Wednesday along with her sister who was married to the drummer of Paul’s first two bands.
By the way, he died of liver failure and not heart failure like we (his friends) originally suspected. His liver went through hell. LOL I don’t mean to joke about it, but man, Paul could throw them back!
Paul, another victim of the unelightened, crypto-nazi, dark-ages Bush Regime!!!!!!!!!!
Kay I’m sorry to hear about your friend Paul. Always remember the good times and he’ll be beside you as you walk through life, forever.
Sorry about your friend, Kay. Alcoholism is a disease, plain and simple.
Thanks Gage. Alcoholism is an awful disease. Paul got to a point in recent weeks where his body would not accept food at all. Terrible, but that’s what happens when this addiction gets out of control. He’s in a much better place now. Paul wasn’t the angry drunk ever. He was always happy-go-lucky. He just couldn’t function with it in his daily life.
I’m looking forward to seeing everyone on Wednesday. The day will be a wonderful tribute to who Paul was as a person. He had no enemies and all of us have terrific memories of his kindness, laughter, and view on life.
Hi K, long time no write. All I can say is there but for the grace of…. I am an alcoholic musician sober for about twenty five years now. (could be more, I don’t remember, I don’t keep track of it anymore) It seems of the many folks I worked with when I was in the biz, the ones who were the sweetest people are the ones who were most likely to succumb to this awful disease.I have been to a LOT of funerals of those who I liked the most. It is indeed a sad waste of our best friends. I am saddened by your loss and it brings back memories of those great entertainers I knew who went too soon.Like I said, there but for the grace of…..
Keep the memories, can the sadness. That’s what I would want if I hadn’t stopped and went to the sky jam.Love to you and all his friends. I’ll pull out my Ibanez electric and play Jimi Hendreix’s Angel in your honor.
Hi Frank!!!! Thanks so much for your thoughts. You know, being a musician is tough on anyone who has the weakness for alcohol. There were many times when Paul sang drunk (he did fine though…the boy could manage!). It was easy for him to because booze was always around. It didn’t help that all of his friends were drinking alongside him, but dammit, most of us were able to quit or reduce our intake. Not Paul. Alcoholism is a vicious cycle and he got caught up in it. A couple years ago I witnessed him not being able to manage himself like he always had. It was sad, but like I said in the post, I had to keep that stuff out of my life. Talking with Paul’s mother for an hour on Saturday was the best thing for me, because any guilt I had about not picking up the phone a couple weeks ago went away. She said he probably wouldn’t have remembered the call.
Please play some Hendrix for Paul, Frank! I can see him smiling and giving that wink-look he always did in approval! He truly would love that. I would too.
So glad that you kicked alcohol, Frank. You don’t need that demon in your life today.
Boy you ain’t just a woofin. The way the world is now days, the ONLY thing that could make it worse is a hangover.We (alcoholics) all reach a point where we realize that we are no longer sucking out of the bottle, it is sucking out of US. When you think about it, alcoholics are VERY dedicated people. We put getting the buzz above friends,family,career…..everything.A lot of folks don’t have hearts big enough to allow for forgiveness.In this respect Paul is lucky. He had people in his life (like YOU my dear) who could see through the haze and love him for who he IS, not for what we wish he COULD be.